I’ve “Hit The Wall” and I’m Celebrating
Do you know what “hitting the wall” means? To some, it means coming up against the edge of your abilities. But some men mean it to describe the value of a woman. To them, women are only valuable until they reach the age of 25. Maybe 40 if the arbiter of value is feeling less rageful at women than usual. And by valuable, these men mean a woman’s attractiveness and sexual desirability.
According to these men, I “hit the wall” years ago. If feel like I should celebrate!! Don’t get me wrong. I do not approve of this odious concept. This looksist, sexist, woman-hating, woman-fearing idea makes me really fucking mad. But I am thankful for what it reveals about the men who truly believe in it.
I, like most women, already carry around impossible beauty standards that were installed in my brain probably before I could even walk. Most of my life has been spent trying to shape myself according to these beauty standards. I have already internalized the belief that I am only worthy if I am desirable to a man.
And I, like most women, also cognitively understand that all of this internalized misogyny is utter bullshit. I can talk a good game around talking about not believing, or not living my life according to all of this, but this doesn’t mean that some part of my lizard brain doesn’t revert back to fear and resource guarding my looks…
